Everything Random Beyond This Point
by OneHoneyEyeOneIceBlue
Summary: A v.random FF inspired by Randomness the Story, go read it! The Doctor meets an enemy worse than Daleks, Fan Girls! FunkyFairyGirl, PixieSpryte, and me all glomp the Doctor lots. T for language, randomness and violence towards the Doctor.
1. 1 : There's Something Going SQUEE!

**A/N : Well, I must say it's lovely to be writing FFs not only with a proper spellchecker, but in lovely, sunny Spain!! Luff goes to Sarah and Claire, per usual, and my many MSN contacts, with whom I have spent many a random hour. D**

**Luff also goes to Padme's Sister for Randomness, the Story, and Stargazing Basketcase for lots of lovely fluff. D**

**There is no companion, atm. Just to make things a bit easier when everyone gets drunk.**

**Chapters pre-written on holiday, up to (and includes) Chapter 10.**

**Disclaimer : I don't own Doctor Who, but I can play with them. Muhahahahahaha!**

**---------------------------------------**

Chapter 1 : There's Something Going . . . WHEEEE!!!

_snicker_

The Doctor walked in the room-

"I'm not under the console then?"

No, but you will be in a minute unless you want to know what that snickering is.

"What snickering?"

_snicker_

That snickering.

"Okay, then. Tell me. What is the snickering?"

Not saying now.

_snort_

"You'll ruin the half-formed story!"

True. Go look behind the curtains and sofa.

"What curtains and sofa?"

_puff of invisible smoke_

Those curtains and that sofa.

The Doctor wandered over, cautious of any further puffs of invisible smoke, and pulled back the curtains and looked behind the sofa, before he was glomped _(A/N : Think rugby tackle meets gigantic hug meets hyperness, usually induced by Obsessive Disorders or the related FanGirlitius)_ by two incredible hyper girls.

Ha-ha, meet your worst enemy, fan girls!!!

"Argh!" Smash. "Get them off me!!!"

FunkyFairyGirl, PixieSpryte, say hello to the total cause of your ODWD and FanGirlitius. Now, please refrain yourselves from injuring him!! Cause you won't get anymore!!

"Awww!!"

_poof of multicoloured smoke _

_I-Wear-My-Heart-On-My-Sleeve appears holding two multicoloured sundaes_

You drink; I need to get on with the story, before anymore fan girls appear.

"More?!?"

Yes, Doctor. More. Blame the BBC, I'm just a poor little FanFictioner who needs a laugh. By the way, just call me . . . hmm. Your Royal Highness and Ultimate Author Roxxie, Queen of All.

"Say what??"

Yeah, how about Roxxie? Or just Roxx. D

"Okay, what was that?"

What? xD

"That!"

That, my dear Doctor, would be a smiley. You could do with one.

"Uhhhh . . . no. 0o"

Ha-ha. Made you smiley!

"Aww. I- GET. THEM. OFF. ME!!!!"

Oh. It looks like the Fan Girls have finished drinking then. Oh dear, they look even more hyper.

_Smash. Crash. . . . . . . . Scream. Clatter. Splinter. WHEEEE. __Gallifreyian Curse. Clang._

FUNKYFAIRYGIRL!!! PIXIESPRYTE!!! GET OFF THE DOCTOR. NOW.

"Phew."

That's my job.

I need write no more.

For this chapter anyway. See yas!

--

Reviews are luffed; you can have mini puffs of smoke if you do! And, if you review, you might see your name glomping the Doctor, or covering him in ice cream. Hint as to next chapter!!


	2. 2 : Never Give A Fan Girl Ice Cream

**Disclaimer : I don't own Doctor Who, but I can play with them. Muhahahahahaha!**

_boing _

ICE CREAM!!

_boing_

ICE CREAM!!

FunkyFairyGirl had given in and started to read a book by this point, so PixieSpryte was left boinging around the console room calling for ice cream. However, any Best Friend and Personal Repressor of the FanGirlitius or Obsessive Disorder of a fan girl knows, never give in to their demands.

But the Doctor walks in with ice cream. The super hyperactive kind, that has to have a pull off label, just for the e-numbers.

DOCTOR! Don't give her the-

Too late.

_Splat._

ICE CREAM FIGHT!!!

Oh dear. _takes cover_

FunkyFairyGirl finished her book, and came to the console room to see what else she could find the Doctor's super-massive pockets. Unfortunately, she got a face full of super hyperactive ice cream before she could even properly get out of the doorway. She responded, course now she was hyper, by pulling out several ice cream tubs from the Doctor's coat pockets. The Doctor, at this point, was standing in between the two fan girls, looking like an ice cream snowman. Now the fan girls were sticking chocolate buttons and sprinkles on him so he looked even more edible than before. Hmm, ice cream covered Doctor.

_Comes out of hiding. Returns with a ice cream moustache and chocolate sprinkles on face_

Hmm. Tastes like . . . Doctor.

Now FunkyFairyGirl and PixieSpryte were eating the Doctor, luckily only the ice cream and chocolate bits. They finished, ran out the room, and came back riding two black horses.

"WHERE THE HELL DID YOU TWO GET HORSES???"

A third and fourth followed, and Roxx mounted one.

Aw, come on Doctor, don't be such a panty pooper!!

"Don't you mean party pooper?"

Nope, now get on the horse!!

He got the on the horse-

"Only cause you made me!"

Hey, I'm the author!

Anyway, he got on the horse, which decided to run after his friends when the Doctor was only half on. So he went down the TARDIS with one foot in a stirrup, lying with his back on the saddle.

"Arh-gh-gh-gh-gh! Stop the damn horse!"

Aw, now I gotta make this a K+ fic. It'll be T by the end of this chapter . . .

Anyway, the horse stopped-

"Thank Rassilion!"

-after ten minutes of trying to catch up to his friends.

"Why do you hate me so, Author?"

I don't, I just like writing in caps, and you're easy enough to pick on, otherwise I'm get a virtual whack over the head with a plastic TARDIS from the real PixieSpryte and FunkyFairyGirl.

Back, to the half-formed slightly odd and salted story, the Doctor managed to get on his horse properly, and commenced catching up to FunkyFairyGirl and PixieSpryte who were currently having a conversation about how much they could sell some of the Doctor's things on e-bay for.

"I reckon I'll get a million squillion quid for his Converse!!"

"Well, I'll get a million squillion and one quid for his-"

Yes, thank you.

Now, the Doctor caught up on his horse-

"Called Henry Two."

-called Henry Tw-wait what happened to Henry One?

"Something. Unmentionable."

Ah. Involving the Fan Girls, I guess? And something to do with super hyperactive ice cream?

"Maybe."

Okay. So. The Doctor caught up on his horse, called Henry Two, while the Fan Girls were still having a random conversation. Then, on noticing the Doctor, they galloped off on their horses, to Rassilion-knows-where.

"Wait, you know where!"

Maybe, but I like to keep the mystery.

So. They galloped off, and the Doctor, on his horse called Henry Two, trotted back to the control room, to try and clear up the ice cream puddle left on the floor, but it had gone.

"Where had it gone?"

Would you believe me if I said they were a rare breed on Fan Girl? The Tidy Fan Girl?

"Nope."

Didn't think so.

Anyway, the Fan Girls came back, horses gone, but they'd found a very drunk Captain Jack, who was currently leaning on the two girls, singing the Yo Ho Ho song.

"Okay, why is he drunk, and why the Yo Ho Ho song?"

I didn't mention which Captain Jack.

-

Reviews are luffed, also rewarded with a jar of dirt and a drunken round of the Yo Ho Ho song from a Captain Jack. A very drunk Captain Jack.


	3. 3 : Something About Eggs & Chocolate

**Disclaimer : I don't own Doctor Who, but I can play with them. Muhahahahahaha!**

"Yo Ho, Yo Ho, a pirates life for me!!"

Captain Jack was singing at the top of his voice, as he tried to navigate a clear path through the carnage that was the control room. There was a water fight going on somewhere in one of the rooms that was never found, and that was where the Fan Girls had disappeared off to. The author, that's me, was just sitting in the corner, watching the Captain Jack navigate the control room whilst singing Yo Ho Ho.

"Aii! And something . . . . something . . . rotten eggs!!"

There was a loud thump, and the Captain Jack collapsed on the floor. The Doctor turned, but once he started snoring, he went back to his book.

Whatcha reading?

"Nothing."

Ohh, is a book about nothing interesting?

"p"

Gotcha using smileys then! I truly am-

"Evil."

Actually that _was_ what I was going to say. And it's actually my word.

_Crash._

Ah, do you think the crazed hyperactive fan girls; have gone to using breakable things? Cause I didn't write that . . . _(innocent look)_

The Doctor ran over to the doorway, and ducked just in time as a glass banana came flying over his head.

"Put them down. Now!"

Somebody, probably PixieSpryte seeing as she'd spent the last hour in the kitchen cupboard eating everything with a possible e-number in including the colourings and raw sugar, threw another glass banana at him, he grabbed up the unsmashed one, and threw it back. Then ran as fast as he could behind the console.

Could it be that the Doctor is having fun?

"Uhm . . . no. Now shush or they'll find me."

OI, EL HYPERINIOES! HE'S-

_puppy eyes_

-IN THE KITCHEN!

The Fan Girls legged it off to the kitchen, and the Doctor came out of hiding.

"Why'd you do that?"

shrug I need you intact for the next chapter, which involves something along the lines of shopping in a super-mahoosive supermarket.

"You can't do that . . ."

Did I mention it's a Spanish supermarket?

"But it'll all be translated anyway, so what's the point?"

Cause I have your sonic screwdriver, and you'll be using dictionaries by the end of this chapter, if I can sort it out.

"You're having a laugh."

Which bit? The fiddling with the TARDIS, or the going to the supermarket, and using a dictionary?

"Both."

It's the entertainment value, you see, as PixieSpryte, who has currently found her way into the med bay medical store, goes wheeling down the vodka aisle on a trolley, grabbing everything she can, cause she's got your 21st century credit card. And PIN.

"Say WHAT?!?"

The Doctor legged it off to the med bay, the author following on a puff of multicoloured, banana scented cloud. The med bay, was also a scene of disaster. All that was visible of PixieSpryte was a pair of feet bobbing up and down out of a cabinet that looked much smaller than it obviously was. She was throwing every pot of pills she could at FunkyFairyGirl who was sitting on the floor opening the random pots of pills, sucking one, pulling a face, then putting it on the floor.

And I threw a glass banana at the Doctor. Just to make it more random.

"Ow! Whatcha do that for?"

I already explained, now shouldn't you be worried what pills FunkyFairyGirl's chewing?

"Point taken."

Would a loudhailer help?

"Probably."

_puff of red smoke_

"PIXIESPRYTE. FUNKYFAIRYGIRL. WHY ARE YOU EATING TABLETS?????"

"Well, Sarah said that there was one that tasted like chocolate, but I didn't believe her, so we're looking for it."

"Sarah??"

"It's really Sarah-Jane, but she hates that. That's PixieSpryte's name. PixieSpryte is her _pen-name_. I thought your were meant to be smart."

"Pen name?"

You gotta problem? You already know my name, banana-head.

"Okay, so what's FunkyFairyGirl's name?"

Claire. Claire Smith, which happens to be interesting with you being "John Smith" . . .

"Oh no. No no no no no no no. You are not implying . . ."

Hey, I only just thought of it, banana-head.

"Stop calling me banana-head."

Have you noticed, they're still eating the pills.

"Oh."

Let me handle this.

FREEEEE ICE CREAM IN THE CONTROL ROOM.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on which way you look at it), that meant a two fan girl stampede to the control room, flattening the Doctor on the way.

"Why do you like hurting me? So far I've been covered in ice cream, eaten, whacked every possible part of my body while half-riding a horse, had glass bananas smashed against my head, and now flattened."

It's not me, it's the Fan Girls.

--

Reviews! Luffed! You can have the chocolate tablets I nicked from the fan girls if you review!


	4. 4 : Fan Girls  Alcohol  Me Being Evil

**Disclaimer : I don't own Doctor Who, but I can play with them. Muhahahahahaha!**

So, instead of waiting to go to Carrefour, the Fan Girl's have found Cpt. Jack Harkness's Hyper Vodka store, which is endless. Which means they're very drunk. As am I. I just have the ability to handle a couple of litres of Hyper Vodka well. D

Okay, maybe somewhere in the region of 20. Okay, 29!! I am drunk . . .

The Doctor has had a bit as well, but he is just plain drunk, not stupidly drunk, or liver crushingly drunk, just drunk. This is stupidly sensible for this story, so now I going to make him finish the endless supply. Which means he's acting like Cpt. Jack Sparrow that drunken all the rum, and is now on weed. Mentioning which, I think I should mention that it is actually Cpt. Jack Harkness, just with a spilt personality disorder, making him like Cpt. Jack Sparrow half the time.

So, the Doctor's just about been able to pilot the TARDIS (good thing he didn't get pulled over . . .) to Carrefour, in the year 2007. Which is better than he usually does.

"Oi! Hey, how about . . . we go . . . to beauty school? (Sarah will know what that's reference to . . .)"

Doctor. Just keep on trying to stand upright, remember? Like we learnt.

So, open the doors, off to Carrefour!! I made a rhyme!! (I'm drunk too, give me some leeway . . .)

FunkyFairyGirl, managed to prise off a trolley, then went wheeling down the trolley escalators, the wrong way. PixieSpryte was actually in the trolley, and was screaming loudly. The Doctor went down the ramp, arms flapping behind him, going "I'm a bird! I can fly! I'm a bird! I can fly!" And Jack was just snoring loudly on the floor.

When they actually got into the store, and managed to drag PixieSpryte away from the Haribo stand, they firstly, and most mistakenly, went in the hardware bit. The Doctor was dancing in front of the telly, who were playing music videos, like a drunk idiot, which he was, and FunkyFairyGirl was looking through the books pointing at the Harry Potter books going "I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!!" which, luckily, PixieSpryte went skidding sideways into her, knocking them both on the floor giggling loudly.

I was watching the Doctor making a total idiot of himself (and recording it on my newly purchased with-his-credit-card video camera. High resolution too, should play well on the massive cinema screen I'm off to buy while FunkyFairyGirl and PixieSpryte lie giggling on the floor, and the Doctor carried on dancing. Oh, and Jack carries on snoring.)

But anyway, we got into the food section, which was just fruit and veg at first, but I made us buy some apples, cause I need them for later. So, with a hundred apples in the trolley, and PixieSpryte, we went off, in hunt of more alcohol and sweets. First stop, some tuna, which I also need later, for something which the Doctor will not be impressed about when he wakes up with a hell of a hangover. If he gets them.

Then, FunkyFairyGirl spotted the chocolate-related aisle, which consisted of chocolate spread, chocolate drinks, everything. She went flying down the aisle, with PixieSpryte in the trolley, grabbing everything in reach. Then the next aisle, the multitpack section, which half of also ended up in the trolley. By this point, I wouldn't have been surprised if PixieSpryte was playing with the Doctor's screwdriver to make it bigger on the inside. I grabbed a hell of a lot of fudge, treacle and golden syrup, needed for the hyperactive sundaes.

Unfortunately, PixieSpryte then spotted the Haribo aisle. Mistake. The trolley went skidding, with FunkyFairyGirl clinging onto the handles for dear life, feet surgically attached to the floor though, sideways, and the Doctor was still dancing, just in the front of the trolley. When PixieSpryte had finished, the whole section on Tangfastics was empty, and FunkyFairyGirl cleared out the Kiddies Mix and StarMix. I, however, was looking at the cheap vodka, and sticking it all in my bigger-on-the-inside basket. I'd have to get some Hyper Vodka later, when the Doctor might let me pilot the TARDIS.

Anywhos, I had the vodka, FunkyFairyGirl was holding the trolley with everything else in by the handles, for dear life, PixieSpryte was shouting out tractor at random times, which may have been a attempt to play Word Association with the Doctor as he kept dancing. In the front compartment of the trolley.

Jack was still snoring on the car park floor.

We paid, much to the amusement of the cashier. I used the Doctor's credit card to foot the 1000 euro bill, which hopefully he won't notice. I also managed to stick a phone and a kitten in the cart, before anyone could crush them. I thought the kitten might be useful when the Doctor wakes up. I truly am evil . . .

So, we got back to the TARDIS, nicked the trolley, but the amount we paid for everything, should be enough to buy ten. I grabbed five pots of white chocolate spread, and sat on the edge of the control room, way above where the drunken chaos would ensue. Jack managed to stumble in the door, he'd been scaring people my going "It's my ship!" when they were trying to get back to their cars. In Spanish. Ask FunkyFairyGirl what it is in Spanish. The door slammed behind him, and he was soon also glomped by the fan girls, who hadn't had much glomping chances with Jack. The Doctor missed the lever three times, but managed to pull it, so we could mess around and float for a while in the vortex. I still sat up above the chaos (where Jackie sat in the Army of Ghosts, if you remember) eating white chocolate spread. Now Jack was lying on the floor groaning muttering something about the rum being all gone, and the Doctor whacked his head off the console and was now lying unconscious on the floor. Time for the kitten and tuna . . .


	5. 5 : Kitten hates Doctor

**A/N : No kittens were harmed in the making of this chapter.**

**Disclaimer : I don't own Doctor Who, but I can play with them. Muhahahahahaha!**

--

"Aiiiiiarghhhhh!!! There's a . . . a . . . a . . ."

_snicker_

A what, Doctor?

"A CUTE FLUFFY KITTEN!! HELP!!"

_Fan girls and author start uncontrollably laughing_

"GET IT OFF ME!!"

The fan girls, and me, were watching the Doctor around the corner of the doorway, giggling and making jokes while we waiting for him to wake up. Eventually . . .

"IT'S NOT FUNNY, GET IT OFF!!!"

The kitten was flung across the room, as the Doctor jumped up. It hissed at him for a moment or two, then curled up and went to sleep.

"Who brought a kitten into the TARDIS?"

Me.

"Why?"

For that sole purpose. _–giggle-_

"Guess I can't kick you out, the story would die."

That's the idea. Hey, aren't you still meant to be drunk? You've only been asleep an hour.

"True."

"And all the boys singing do-wa-be-do-do-di-do-di-dum-diddy-do . . ."

While the newly drunk Doctor walked, or at least tried to, towards the also drunk fan girls, Jack woke up and looked at the sleeping kitten.

"Aw, how cute!"

The accent proved his split personality has currently in "Harkness" mode.

I managed to catch the Doctor as he stumbled and nearly fell on his way across the Control Room.

"Hey, you're cute . . ."

Great, he's about as drunk as either Jack on a bender.

"I am not drunk. I am just . . . giddy."

Doctor, the amount of alcohol that's in your blood, it might as well be a bottle of vodka.

"I'm . . . sober. And you're cute."

I give up. Come on, let's get you to bed.

_puff of __transporting smoke_

There you go. Now stay here until you've got a hell of a hangover.

"Aw, don't go, stay."

Why? I have many vodka containing, super hyperactive sundaes to make for the fan girls.

"Like I said, I think you're cute."

I'm a faceless author!! All I do is write most of the story, how can I be cute?? Anyway, I'm not. You're just drunk to high heaven.

"Most?"

Well, the stuff in asterisks and dashes is usually free will.

"What like _drunkenly attempts to snog the author?"_

Yes.

"Okay." _drunkenly attempts to snog the author_

Crap, you're drunk. I've never been snogged in a story, and I probably wont be again. For a reason.

"I-" _–passes out-_

Right, now, I think it's my turn to pass out, seeing as I've just sort of attempted to have been snogged by the Doctor. God, he's going to regret that.

--

Meh, I felt like the ending. He's meant to be incredibly drunk. He'll probably snog more people next chapter. In fact I guarantee it.

Anywho, reviews are luffed! You get a copy of the tape of the Doctor dancing like and idiot if you do.


	6. 6 : 3 Reasons To Keep The Doctor Sober

**Disclaimer : I don't own Doctor Who, but I can play with them. Muhahahahahaha!**

Reason 1 : He starts snogging people, even faceless authors.

Reason 2 : When he starts snogging people, he doesn't care who that person is.

Reason 3 : When he starts to snog the Fan Girls, everything turns even more hyper. If that's possible.

For an example to prove my point, the Doctor wasn't sober when he came out of his room, nor did he have any sign of a hangover, which I hope isn't related to his biology, cause I can have fun with a cranky, scared of light Doctor. Anyway, it was in fact only ten minutes later, he came out of his room, which I actually noticed when I heard him snogging something. I said something, not someone, which turned out to be the toaster, which, in turn, was currently frying his tongue. Nice.

So, after prising the toaster, the freezer and then the kitten off his mouth, I thought he might have learnt his lesson. Nope. I left him in the med bay, when the Fan Girls decided to start looking for the chocolate tablets, which I nicked to give to my reviewers. To the Doctor, it just meant something new to snog, which wasn't likely to scratch his tongue into bite-size chunks.

So, we join the Doctor, who is currently in the middle of snogging the Fan Girls, and this author is hiding from his fried-frozen-and-scratched tongue.

"You're cute . . . and you're cute. Gissus a snog."

More than willing to comply Fan Girls . . .

_Doctor drunkenly attempts to snog the Fan Girls_

Means that the side-video is going to make cringy viewing, when he sobers up.

Jack, at this point, was keeping well away, seeing as Jack Sparrow-

"Captain. Captain Jack Sparrow, me lass. Gissus a snog."

Ah, well, Jack's drunk too. _downs a couple of litres of cheap vodka and a couple of bags of Haribo _Might as well join in. Anyway, where was I? Oh, Captain Jack Sparrow didn't want to be snogged by the Doctor, cause Jack Sparrow isn't gay. Or omni, for that matter. Jack, did however, want to swim in a pool of custard, which he was doing. Nuddy-pants. But, that's a trivial detail, as to what's gonna happen later.

Back in the med bay, there was even more snogging, and the Doctor was starting to feel a bit dizzy. Either that, or he'd found _my_ secret stash of vodka. Which I doubt. And I hadn't hidden which meant . . .

"Roxx! The faceless author! You're still cute. Gissus a snog."

Oh, crap. I'm going to run now . . .

_runs and hides in bikini department of wardrobe_

Ha ha, he'll never find me here!! _turns around_ ARGH! MY INNER WRITING EYE, IT'S THE DOCTOR!!!!

THE DOCTOR IN A BIKINI!!!

Hmm, Video blackmail!!!

_gets out video camera_

Hey, don't suppose you could flamenco dance?

_Doctor flamenco dances in a bikini_

Excellent. He shall be completely complying . . .

--

Jack had now moved onto diving into the strawberry jelly pool, complete with kiwi pieces at the bottom. It was interesting to watch, as he dived, spilt it partially, then bounced off.

The Doctor had vanished somewhere after the bikini incident, as had the Fan Girls . . .

_looks for Doctor and Fan Girls_

Okay, FunkyFairyGirl's in the library reading, so I'm not gonna even try to look for the Doctor, cause if the TARDIS doesn't want me to find him, I'm not gonna try.

Great, now I've nothing to do.

"EXTERMINATE."

"DELETE."

"Ohh, Harry Potter. Yeah, Harry Potter!"

"Snape."

"Harry."

"Snape."

"Harry."

"Snape."

"Harry."

Ah, well, it look's like next chapter's a bit early.

--

Reviews get some Hyper Vodka Sundaes!


	7. 7 : Crap, That's Not Meant To Happen

**Disclaimer : I don't own Doctor Who, but I can play with them. Muhahahahahaha!**

Well, this chapter was a bit early, but you get the idea.

I was chatting to FunkyFairyGirl about various things involving the video blackmail, when I heard (decided the story was too normal and needed livening up) two things. Something breaking, and a cry of EXTERMINATE. Ah, looks like the Dalek's found the Doctor and PixieSpryte. Eating pineapple (inspiration from my pineapple yoghurt I'm eating) in the kitchen. Never mind. Anywho, we where about to run for our lives, when there was another crash of something breakable (probably more glass bananas) and a cry of DELETE from the other end of the hall. Great! So we're stuck between two lots of fighting things, which would like to destroy us either way. But I'm the author, so I think it's time for . . .

_crash_

. . . The SuperFan Girls!! Consisting of, Padme's Sister and Stargazing (BasketCase) who are both luffed by me and my little writing ring, however, more may be added, if I can find my favourite authors list . . .

Getting back to the story, they crashed through a wall (from where, Rassilion knows.) and all the Daleks and Cybermen went and hid in a cupboard. To be brought out on a rainy day, or plot lapse. So the five of us (the Doctor had put a face on the pineapple. And was calling it Mr. Smiley) turned round and went "Who are you?" Well, everyone, minus me, of course.

"We're the SuperFan Girls."

So, they're so fannish, they're immune to their FanGirlitius, and the Daleks and Cybermen are scared of them.

"Well, that's useful."

"Hey, can anyone tell me where the evil Lord Voldemort is?"

It turns out, Ron, Hermione and Harry were standing behind the group, and Voldemort was standing behind them, making faces.

"Behind you."

"Ahhh, Harry Potter, we meet again."

Great, now we have a fight for the entire wizarding world, in the TARDIS.

So, while Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort started firing spells at each other in the corridor, the Fan Girls and SuperFan Girls decided to super-hyper, drunkenly super, triple twist glomp the Doctor. Just cause they're immune, doesn't mean they don't get to glomp the Doctor.

Ron and Hermione went off somewhere, somewhere I don't care to specify where.

When the Doctor had marginally recovered, Jack stumbled in the room, Harkness mode.

"Hey, did you guys invite Darth Vader on board?"

_author snickers_

"Darth Vader?"

Yeah, I thought he might be evil company for Lord Voldemort, and the evil fluffy kitten.

"But that kitten can't be evil, it's too cute!" Jack protested.

Think again.

K-9!

"Say . . . who . . . what . . . where . . . OUCH!! Crap!!"

Poor Doctor, K-9's right behind you. And you just got hit with a stunning spell. Oh, bloody hell.

_points wand at Doctor_

Mahwah. I am a witch. Now I am, anyway.

So Voldemort came back in the corridor with a look of evilness on his face.

"I am always evil."

Hey, in this story, I'm more evil. That's why I'm inventing . . . grenade bananas!!

"Say what?"

Chew on that, Voldy. By the way, I have eight Horcruxes. Seven, is so passé.

"You're mean!"

Believe it. Go talk to Darthey.

"Darthey? Darth Vader's here? Daddy!!"

I know that makes absolutely no sense, just believe, for the sake of the story.

So, Voldy ran off, to Daddy, who was talking to the kitten.

Everyone, including the new SuperFan Girls, gravitated towards the control room ,dodging the occasional stunning spell that was bouncing off the walls.

I sat back up in my seat, to write, and to eat my leftover pots of white chocolate spread. K-9, who drifted off a couple of paragraphs ago, came tootling in when he saw . . .

. . . the kitten.

He may be a robot, but essentially, he's a dog. Which means . . .

_Crash. Bang. Smash. Pet-t__woiong._

Fluffy, as the kitten shall now be known, got hold of Jack's Sonic Blaster, and K-9 just had his laser.

While a war of the animals was moving down the TARDIS, Jack re-appeared, fully Sparrow clothed, complete with bottle of rum.

Where'd you get that?

"Wouldn't you like to know, lass."

I am the author, and I can, say, dangle you over a pit of crocodiles

"Ah, no, get me down, you're a sweet lass . . ."

. . . or burn you at the stake . . .

"Oh, ow, hot!! Hot!! HOT!!!"

. . . or, just hand you in to the East . . .

"Oh, no, lass."

. . . India . . .

"Poor little me, you wouldn't?"

. . . Trading Company.

But I wouldn't do that, because I need you in one piece for the story.

--

Aw, poor Jack, xD.

Reviewers get a glomping mention, when I've stopped pre-writing chapters.


	8. 8 : I Give Up With Titles For Chapters

K-9 was now being held a gunpoint, by a fluffy, yet evil kitten.

Then, the kitten was picked up by the Doctor, and shoved in a cage.

"No-one messes with my K-9."

I can't help it, I'm on a double extra hyper, triple twist, extra special, extra e-number HyperActive+Vodka Sundae from Padme's Sister. We destroyed the kitchen, but there's about 15 others on board.

We were sitting in the control room, totally innocently (honest), when we heard something metallic clanging towards us. I was scared out of my wits, cause I hadn't written it (also honest) and I was clutching Stargazing for dear life. Padme's Sister was brave enough to go and see what it was, but she screamed and ran for the little huddle in the corner that was PixieSpryte and FunkyFairyGirl, leaving me and Stargazing in the front line. Sodding great, victimised in my own story. Anywho, I saw a shadow getting closer, so I clung tighter to Stargazing.

Eventually, a Cyberman appeared. It was covered in Dalekanium, but otherwise, it was a Cyberman. It stopped, and I saw Stargazing get up, unshakingly.

"Hello."

"Hello."

"Who are you?"

"I'm CyD."

"I'm Stargazing BasketCase, but you can call me Stargazing. That's I-Wear-My-Heart-On-My-Sleeve, or Roxx for short, the author, Padme's Sister, PixieSpryte, and FunkyFairyGirl. The Doctor, Voldemort, Harry Potter, Ron, Hermione, Darth Vader, K-9, Jack Sparrow/Harkness, Mr. Smiley, a load of Cybermen and Daleks and a cute fluffy evil kitten are also on board."

"Can you help?"

"Help?"

"I think, I'm a hybrid. Half Cyberman, Half Dalek."

"We guessed. How do you want help?"

"I want to know how."

Padme's Sister gave a cross between a giggle and a snort.

"Don't we all."

"Hey, let's put the Doctor's suit on him, and scare the Doctor with him!" I imputted (that was the plan!)

"Good idea!"

"Will he fit?"

"I think the Doctor's still wearing his suit . . ."

"He wears the same one, _always._ Don't you think he has more than one?"

So the troupe, complete with CyD under Harry's invisibility cloak, which they'd nicked earlier, made their way to the wardrobe to see what they could find.

"Ooh, I like this top."

"Cuteness overload!!"

"Ew . . ."

"Hey, guys, do you think we could make it Halloween today?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, I just found a load of the Doctor's suits, and a load of Jack's stuff, most of which I really didn't need to see, but we could all dress up like them ,and scare the life out of them. Ooh, Pinstripe skirt suits!"

_Two hours later . . ._

"Wow, my bum looks great!"

"Ooh, my legs look great! What the hell was that cream?"

"Insta-Slim. Maybe we should nick a bottle or ten . . . "

There was a stampede to the creams.

"Give me some!"

HEY!! I'm the author!! LEAVE ME SOME!!

"Wow, no muffin-top!"

So a whole troupe of female Jacks and Doctors walked back to the control room.

"Oh, no! We forgot CyD!"

They ran back, to find him in a Doctor suit. Trouser. Suit.

"Does my metal bum look big in this?"

The Fan Girls burst out laughing, and took him by the arm, and tried to find the real Doctor. He was crashed out on a sofa in one of the many living rooms. I (totally un-)gently poked him.

"Huh . . . what . . . fire . . . snow . . . chair . . ."

"Doctor, say hello to CyD."

"ARGH!"

No-one, except the Doctor, could stop laughing.

"It's not funny!"

You're right Doctor.

"Thank you."

It's fricking hilarious!

--

Reviews luffed. And get brown or blue pinstripe skirt suits, or trouser suits for boys, to help us scare the Doctor with, yet again!


	9. 9 :

**Dis****claimer : Meh, you know what it is.**

--

It's the middle of July, where the TARDIS has landed, but no-one cares which year, or where.

But what everyone does care about, is it's now Halloween on the TARDIS.

Which also means another Fan Girl stampede to the wardrobe. And some weird costumes.

"Ooh, funky witch outfit! With a burn hole . . ."

"Wow, real vampire cloak."

"Ooh, . . . _bang_"

So, Padme's Sister looked like Padme, Stargazing looked like a stargazing gypsy (with a mental case), FunkyFairyGirl looked like a funky fairy girl, and PixieSpryte looked like a pixie dressed up as a sprite. Don't ask me how.

Off the troupe went, swigging hyperactive sundaes on the way, not sure where they're going. They ended up in the control room, giggling like a load of . . . well, fan girls. CyD wandered in soon after, eating a pot of Nutella. Then the Doctor came in, screamed, and ran out of the room. The Fan Girls started laughing uncontrollably, then the Doctor's head came round the door, bright red. Then he walked in. Only a head. The Fan Girls screamed, and it was the Doctor's turn to laugh, he'd nicked the invisibility cloak of the Fan Girls.

So, yeah.

HA HA.

I threw a grenade banana in the idle of the room, and watched everyone running round like headless chickens, then it exploded, well, went _pufft._ Quietly.

Okay, I think we shall go to . . . the dungeons!!

"What???"

"Ohh, no."

"AIIIEEEE!!"

We will. I'm the Ulitmate Author of this story.

Well, until I get knocked out, and PixieSpryte has to take over, then she gets knocked out, so FunkyFairyGirl writes a chapter. Then I wake up. D

"You're smileying again!!"

I know. xD

"ARGH!"

Muhahaha.

"No smiley?"

Nope.

"Good."

;-)

"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE"

Yay, I drove the Doctor mad!

Off to the dungeons!!

_puff of transporting smoke_

Welcome, to the dark, dank tour of the TARDIS dungeons.

"Does the TARDIS have dungeons?"

Yes, and they're for questioning little Fan Girls.

"Eek."

D Now. As the Doctor will demonstrate-

"Will I?"

Yes. He will show what the rack was used for.

"Owowowowowowowowow!!!"

Thankies. Now the Thumbscrews.

"Ohowohowohow!"

And finally, the noose.

"Ah-"

_-magically restores the Doctor-_

Now, whose for a major cheese fest before bed?

_-Fan Girl, Doctor, CyD, Voldemort, Harry Potter, the real Hermione, Ron, K-9, Fluffy and Jack, who'd been sleeping, stampede to cheese-_

And . . . sleep.

_-everyone sleeps-_

I shall need the tuna, and the apples, and the key to the swimming pool . . .

--

_After three hours of snoring . . ._

God, the Doctor snores like hell.

Anyway, it's all ready. First, I poke the kitten.

_-poke-_

Then K-9.

_-poke-_

Then the Doctor.

_-poke-_

Then the Fan Girls + SuperFan Girls.

_-poke-_

Then Jack.

_-poke-_

Then Hermione.

_-poke-_

Then Ron.

_-poke-_

Then Harry.

_-poke-_

Then Voldemort.

_-poke-_

Then Darth Vader.

_-poke-_

Then CyD.

_-poke-_

Then Mr. Smiley.

_-poke-_

So, Fluffy, smelt the tuna, and went after it, K-9 followed, then the Doctor, then the Fan Girls, then Jack, then Hermione, then Ron, then Harry, then Voldemort, then Darth Vader, then CyD (who thought Darth Vader was his dad . . .) then Mr. Smiley, who is now Miss. Smiley, we've found out.

Which meant the whole group was now in the tuna pool. Yes, a pool full of tuna.

After an hour smelling of fish, the group had a shower, and dried off. The Fan Girls went to the wardrobe to look for clothes to wear (a.k.a to nick) and the Doctor decided to have a game of footie in the gun room. And Jack carried on snoring. Everyone else went back in the cupboard for me to play with next chapter.

--

Reviews get to glomp Jack when I get to that chapter . . .


	10. 10 : Meh The One With The Confusion

**Disclaimer:**** Meh, you know.**

**--**

So, the Doctor was playing footie in the gun room, in which he discovered an old gun. He went and found Jack, who he decided to shoot the gun at. Mistake. It turned out it was a gender changing gun (One from _Swapping Sides_) which made Jack a girl. Then Jack, annoyed, shot it at the Doctor, who was a girl. Then they got trigger happy, and shot Darth Vader and CyD. So we have a grand total of 3 males on board. Hmm. So then, they shot Hermione, Harry and Voldy, and . . .

_Duh, dun DUH!!_

. . . The Fan Girls. Who are now Fan Boys.

When all those shot, gravitated towards the control room, there was a definite murmur of EEEK around. The Doctor had managed to find one of the skirt suits that the Fan Girls had been wearing, as was Jack, in a navy mini, paler blue shirt, vest underneath, and even braces. They both had longer versions of their normal hair, as did Harry and Voldy. The Fan Boys, were holding in-between-their-legs and shuffling off to the wardrobe, because the Fan Girls had been in the middle of wearing bikinis. The newly-boyyed Hermione followed.

So the boys found some jeans and tees, and the girls found some minis and (tighter) tees. The (new) girls were rather determined to make the most of their situation, mainly by peering down their tops every so often. Jack was definitely less bothered though. The Boys were just sitting uncomfortably. Darth Vader had just seemed to change his normal metal outfit, to one of a woman's structure, as had CyD.

Voldy was now talking to Harry in the corner, crying. "No-one understands me!!" Great! Hormonal Voldemort. JK Rowling wont be impressed. Anyway, Harry was now hugging him, patting him on the back. "It's okay . . ."

So, then a load of female Daleks and Cybermen appeared going "What the hell just happened?" Then they all hugged and made up. (Don't ask me how a Dalek hugs.)

Males. Won't ever let something go.

Anyway, they all had a hyperness sundae courtesy of Padme's Sister. (Padme's Brother?) Jack and the Doctor went to the wardrobe to take over looking-at-clothes-to-nick duty. And I started texting some more fan girls to see if they wanted in. Then . . .

_Would Jack please come to the Captain's Quarters?_

Jack shuffled off from the wardrobe somewhere to try and find this new "Captain's Quarters" while the rest of the random guests on the TARDIS started going "What'sgoingonwhat'sgoingonwhat'sgoingonwhat'sgoingon"

_You are now all participants in Big Boat._

A "Stop blowing holes in my ship!" drifted down the corridor.

Everyone else just looked at each other.

_You shan't be let out of the TARDIS until one one remains_

"Ooh, you going to evict us?"

_No, kill you off._

"Why does that sound familiar?" The Doctor pondered.

Ponder. I like that word.

_I'm not a copy. Totally original. _

"Yes you are! You're off that GameStation thingy!"

_No I'm not!!_

"Yes you are."

_Meanie! stomps off_

The Doctor found himself glomped by a ton of Fan Boys, who were all appreciative that they weren't ruled by a boat anymore.

Jack came back, going "I couldn't find the Captain's Quarters. Never mind." Then joined in the glomping.

Padme's Sister came in with some more sundaes (which without, this story would be well dead.) put them down on a table _poof _then joined in the glomping.

CyD decided to jump on, crushing everyone.

_magical restoration_

SUNDAE STAMPEDE!!

Hey, I found the chocolate pills!

_STAMPEDE_

It's meant to be Halloween, how about apple swimming?

"Don't you mean apple bobbing?"

I told you, I meant what I said. Everyone to the swimming pool next to the mahoosive chocolate fountain Jack was swimming in!

_STAMPEDE_

Lovely. Hmm. Nothing much happened this chapter.

--

Reviews luffed as usual, mini gender changing guns if you do! Definitely fun in maths, when your teacher turns into a woman . . .

**I HAVE FINISHED PRE-WRITING CHAPTERS. ALL WHO REVIEWED WILL GET A MASSIVE GLOMPING SESSION WHEN I WRITE MY NEXT CHAPTER!!**


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